How I Handled My Abortion

#Disclaimer : I’m not necessarily advocating for abortion, I’m just telling my story and being raw with life!

You can’t look at a woman and see if she had an abortion any more than you can look at a person and judge if they have HIV , an STI, or maybe facing thoughts of suicide. Because abortion is still a silent topic discussed among women today and many are ridiculed by the church, family members, friends, and society, I decided to share my story unashamed and without guilt today. These are the pieces of me!

I was 18 when I found out I was 2 months pregnant. It was the fall of 2010 and the very beginning of my freshmen year in college. I was caught up with a guy that I thought was super hot at the time. He was older and seemed so wise and knowledgeable for his age (so I thought).

During this time period , I was in an off again, on again relationship with an ex from high school. The relationship was taking a huge toil on me because we were always arguing back and forth on the phone. There were nights when I would just lay in my dorm room and cry all night long from how bad our arguments would get. It was so destructive and emotionally damaging that I just wanted out.

When I met this upperclassmen at my university at a party, I instantly became attracted to his demeanor. It was nothing serious however, and even though we hit it off, we both played everything cool. Well , until I found out I was 2 months preggo!!!!

I know what you’re thinking! What about condoms? Why weren’t you using protection? Why were you so irresponsible? The sad thing is, it was a drunk night for the both of us and I honestly don’t even remember us not using protection!

The signs of pregnancy were there but I just thought I was stressed out because of my relationship troubles back at home , feeling homesick, and trying to balance school out. I had two missed periods, diarrhea ( yes that’s a huge sign of pregnancy sickness), nausea, and massive headaches.

It took my friend Lexx telling me ‘Bre you might be pregnant, let’s get a pregnancy test’ for me to actually really process the fact that my whole life was about to change.

Of course the results came back positive, so later that day after both of us were finished with our last classes, we took the bus to Planned Parenthood for me to take a second pregnancy test and see how far I was with my pregnancy.

Once confirming that I was two months pregnant, the clinicians did an ultrasound . I could not believe that there was this little person growing inside of me.

I panicked and just felt like wow what an embarrassment I’m going to be to my family. Some of my family already viewed me as the black sheep and rebellious, so of course they’re gonna have a lot to say now!

I just couldn’t come back home from school pregnant! So I decided to do the unthinkable.

Because I was still in my first trimester I was able to take the abortion pill (Misoprostol). Those pills are big and they make you take both in the clinic, the actual process of losing your baby doesn’t take place until you’re at home. The process feels like you’re having a miscarriage. You actually see your baby coming out of your vagina as the pills break down your uterus lining .

The pill works by blocking the hormone progesterone, without progesterone the lining of the uterus breaks down and your pregnancy no longer continues. The pain is so unbearable as you begin cramping and having contractions as if you are about to conceive. Oh and did I mention the blood ! I had never seen so much blood coming out of me in my life.

I never really talked about how it made me feel until now. I used to think about it a lot, even shared it with my mom once I turned 21. A prophet in Atlanta told me I was going to have a baby girl. If that was true, her name would have been Eva Anna Nicole. She would have been so strong just like her great grandmothers!

The aftermath of my abortion was probably the hardest . I had a few nightmares and then I just began to hide it by suppressing those memories. It wasn’t until I began to have more relationship troubles , that I sought counseling and began to open up about how I felt when it came to my abortion.

Healing was beginning to take root! I didn’t feel bad or ashamed about it!

Truth is women have been shunned from talking about their abortion because it’s not a popular conversation to have. It’s like after it happens , we just hide it and bury it from our lives.

If we begin having these tough conversations about our past maybe we can begin to heal on the inside. Society tells us to keep quiet about it because it’s bad, but they never tell us what a woman should do if she has already undergone the abortion. What is it that a woman should do to begin to heal and feel free again?

Your abortion does not make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love you, or that you’re a heartless person or a baby killer. God knows every little thing we are going to do before we even do it! Before you allow people to judge what you have done with your life, develop a relationship with God first. Remember God lives inside of you so you must have that talk regardless!

If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing.

This life lesson was one that I needed to learn because it saved my life. It saved me from going down a path that I may not have ever been able to come back from.

I also learned that people make irresponsible choices and engage in risky behavior due to low self esteem and void fillers.

When a person is whole they do not do things to put their life at risk because they realize how precious their life is. I put my life in danger 3 times in this situation …the first was being drunk and not remembering all the details when having sex, the second was not using protection, and the third was having my abortion. Three times I could have died!

I did not realize how much of a broken mess I was from past childhood issues and relationship issues, until I began to do some self cleansing and self healing in my early 20s.

Since my first pregnancy I haven’t been pregnant since and it will remain that way until I am married.

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